Land of Lincoln(s)

It's true - every American who retires - along with the gold watch and the Caribbean cruise - gets a Lincoln. Not money - a car - a Lincoln Continental. The reason is that owning a Lincoln entitles the driver to privileges way beyond those of the average American motorist.

Lincoln owners, for example, can drive in the middle of the road at 20 miles an hour, making them impossible to pass until you reach a traffic light, an accident or some other obstacle that forces them to actually stop so you can try to sneak by. Rest assured that the driver, recognizeable from his pastel golf cap, will go out of his way to glare at anyone who dares to pass, since letting someone go by is considered a sign of weakness not to mention disrespecting your elders.

Lincolns are also allowed plenty of slide room- sliding into intersections, out of driveways or segueing into mall parking lots. Once they've managed to clearly obstruct through traffic, the other drivers have no choice but to let them go first, granting the retiree the status he or she has earned from a lifetime of drudgery.

Most Lincolns are some shade of green with cream upholstery. Don't just take my word for it - look closely when one inches by you on the way to work tomorrow. Although they may look the same, they are manufactured with the senior citizen in mind - you've probably noticed that the front seats are so comfortable the elderly passengers can barely see over the dashboards.

Lincolns not only honor those who've given their lives for the system, they also make America strong and healthy. They burn lots of fossil fuels, thus benefiting the oil and gas industry, as well as providing the rationale for the Republicans' alleged energy strategy. They spew out a lethal cloud of toxic pollutants, insuring that the health care system will continue to prosper from treating those with respiratory ailments. They keep auto body shops humming, since most of the oldsters tend to collect dents on even the most trivial outings, not to mention giving the hood ornament thieves a steady income.

Personally, I can hardly to get my hands on one. The best thing about a Lincoln is, if times get hard, you can always live in the back seat. At the rate things are going with the housing market, it's a feature that may come in handy.