China's Secret Weapon

It's bad enough that we read every day about another chemical additive from China that has snuck under America's radar screen into the food supply, but I've discovered the real danger in products imported from the Peoples' Republic - the Bureau of Instructions.

Yes, it's true - somewhere behind the walls of the Forbidden City in Beijing lies a top secret government agency that has embarked on a mission to disable Western democracy. Even more amazing is the fact that it involves no military hardware and conducts no clandestine operations overseas. It's sole function is to generate the sets of instructions that come with all Chinese products, rendered into misleading English that is designed to play havoc with the mind of the American consumer.

A few weeks ago, I innocently purchased a bookcase from a leading office supply retailer, deciding to finally upgrade my home office so it no longer resembles a homeless shelter for wayward intellectuals. I was disgusted when I realized I would have to assemble it. Anyone who knows me will attest to the fact that I am a complete failure as a man - I can't fix engines, I don't like televised sports, and I will always pay to have something put together BEFORE taking it home. However, a bookcase seemed like a fairly easy proposition; after all, how hard can it be to affix three shelves to a backboard plus two wooden sides? My wife eyed me skeptically as I wrestled the huge box inside. "What's that?" She inquired.

"A bookcase." I tried to project the take charge attitude displayed by true do-it-yourselfers." I need it to store more of my stuff in the computer room."

She smirked." Good luck." I ignored her defeatist attitude as I hauled the unassembled furniture to its designated space, trying to forget all the years of breaking down in tears over Christmas presents that I just couldn't fathom, only to have my wife brush me aside and figure it out in thirty seconds.

I decided to abandon my usual haphazard approach of half doing one thing until boredom set in and then moving on to something else by actually being methodical. The first step was obvious: take all the parts carefully out of the package and lay them on the floor to ensure everything was there. The wood had the uncomfortable heft and unnatural finish of sawdust compressed into ersatz shelves. The screws and mountings were all made of flimsy plastic. I wondered how they could possibly support any weight, but assumed that the leading retailer I bought it from would never sell a defective product.

Consequently, I arranged everything and matched it to the almost unreadable type on the dreaded instructions. The first step was a success - the components were all there. I went to Step 1. "Put Section A," The Bureau of Instructions had written," to next Part B and C." I studied the minuscule pictures of A,B and C, trying to ascertain if they resembled anything on the floor in front of me since nothing was labelled. Finally, I concluded that A referred to the back panel. B and C apparently referred to the shelving. I tried to put A to next B and C, or next to B and C, or something like that. Step 2 commanded: " Screw mounts D,E,F to sides, it will support." I discovered that the side panels hard been weakened by several rows of drilled holes which - allegedly - D,E,F would fit into, except that the holes were all different sizes. Finally, by process of trial and error, I located the ones with the right diameter. On to Step 3: "Insert hardly screws G,H,I into D,E,F." I stared at the little plastic nubs, wondering if it meant they were hardly screws, or it they were hardly supposed to screw in, or if I should give up , go back to the store and leave the books in the box where they belonged. I managed to wedge the correct item into the designated spot, snapping off the edge of several screws in the process.

Somehow, I blundered through the rest of the cryptic instructions until I reached the crucial step of actually adhering the shelves to the back panel. I was so disgusted at this point - having maimed so many little parts in the process - that I simply charged ahead, attempting to jam the unwieldy thing together without being waylaid by the instructions. Everything seemed fine until I tried to put the thing up and realized it was upside down.

My wife, who has a great sense of timing, appeared at the door." How's it going?"

I pretended to have mastered the art of assembly. " Fine. Almost done."

She nodded." Is it always going to be upside down? Must be a new kind of bookcase."

I collapsed quickly under the domestic pressure." I guess I kind of overlooked something."

Smiling, she proceeded to re-read the directions, instructing me where to insert each component part until my new bookcase stood grandly in one corner. "Thanks," I mumbled.

"No problem." She diplomatically covered her mouth as the inevitable chuckle emerged.

This is purely a cautionary tale, but the message is simple. China won't go to war with us, certainly not with conventional weapons. The dismantling of the Western world will be done slowly until the Bureau of Instructions manages to drive the hapless American consumer into a state of befuddlement. Fortunately, I know now that we don't need satellites or conventional weapons to counter the threat; just send my wife over there for a few days, and everything'll be straightened out.